I hope all of you own mop (If you don’t own a mop, here is an extraordinary deal on one). For those of you who don’t know, TikTok is a social platform/app where people can sync videos they create to popular songs. A great idea, based on the growing demand of Instagram thots who love doing that weird half lip-syncing, half posing selfie video thirst trap shit. You know what I’m talking about:
This specifically odd little piece of Americana comes standard with every account of every young lady who’s ever sat court-side at all star weekend. That’s all fine and dandy in my opinion. Now you’re asking “Ry, what’s the fucking point of all this?” Well, I’m going to let you in on a little secret, there is NO POINT. It’s pointless, and it’s god damn maddening. TikTok has bread a generation of preTEENcious bros who are all carbon copied in a lab by Kevin Spacey. Too soon? I don’t think so, I think he prefers preteens right? Anyway he presses the “Jacob Sartorius Button” and out pops one of these:
Perfect hair, perfect fucking smile, he’s soaked, he’s soaked! Here’s a couple more carbon copies (notice the importance of jaw line and fuckboy hair, it’s a prerequisite):
By god if I knew scrunchies were going to be this popular I would have shorted the market a year ago when only white trash Walmart cashiers were wearing them. I’m sorry for a second I got distracted from what actually matters in this video, the director’s incredible ability to convey such an easily comprehended plot and story line. I mean the video delivered a crystal clearasil outline and meaning. Obviously…. NOT, what the fuck is the point of this video? Am I missing something? I know I obsess over bullshit that doesn’t matter but that’s kind of my thing if you haven’t noticed. However this particular piece of media has my head spinning off my neck. What the fuck is this!? Even A-List Celebrity/Flat-Earther Kyrie Irving is getting in on the fun!
And Anotha One:
Ok, I know what you’re thinking, they’re just trying to get laid. To that I say, what ever happened to the good old days? When if you wanted to shoot your shot, you would fill out hundreds of MySpace Surveys meticulously and subliminally placing shoutouts to the girl you have a crush on until she eventually cracks the code and slides into your A.I.M. Think about this for a moment (I know your mind is hungry for thought because this blog provokes none), in 30 years this bro is going to have to look back on this and explain to his children what the fuck he is doing in this video. Let’s be honest, by then this type of shit is going to be old news and who knows what’s going to start trending next. Pretty soon these clones are just going to start swinging dick melodically to a John Meyer ballad. Mark my words, Meatspin will be the new norm amongst TikTok Brads. It never ends:
Again, what’s the actual fuck!? Honestly, doesn’t anyone on TikTok post anything worth watching!? Can I get some substance please!? I guess I’m going to have to put the whole TikTok universe on my back. I’m declaring right here right now, I’m a certified TikTok Boy. You’re welcome:
Now, clean yourselves up: