Fast Food Ranked!

So I’ve been seeing some people doing these fast food tier rankings on social media and I told myself that I was going to do this for you guys…the correct way. Those of you that listen to the show know that burgers are my shit…literally. To be fair, the last four restaurants I will not be ranking since I have never had any of them. EMU ended up getting a Smash Burger the year after I left. Bastards. Ranking goes from F (worst) to S (best). These rankings are non-negotiable in my eyes. Prove me wrong though. I want some good discussion on this. If you un-refined palates end up liking these tier blogs, maybe I’ll do some more. It appears that the restaurants are in alphabetical order so I’m going to just rank them by that. LETS DO IT!!!!


Who doesn’t like Roast Beef? Seriously though, Arby’s overall quality has always appeared to be a cut above other fast food restaurants. While they didn’t make it on the 2009 Roast Beef Challenge (yes that was a thing, I have the t-shirt to prove it, my friends and I take roast beef very seriously), relatively speaking it makes it to a B rank for me. Plus that one on Oregon Road is my go to, on the very rare occasion I decide I want to have lunch during the work week. Let’s ring that bell by the door on our way out shall we? *DING*

Burger King

I couldn’t tell you the last time I had Burger King…yikes not looking good for you BK. I remember going there with my mom years ago and getting something off the breakfast menu. All of our food was ice cold and I haven’t been back since. Now yes I know what you’re saying: “You went to BK over McD’s for breakfast? That was a mistake!” Yes we did. To be fair we wanted to switch it up a little bit you autonomous garbage disposals. Burger King was the one fast food restaurant within walking distance from both Northwood Middle School and Northwood High School. I remember going over there in 8th grade after school, before a basketball game, and chowing down with whatever the five bucks my mom gave me that morning would get me. The food would then solidify into an amorphous rock in my stomach as I skyed for 20 rebounds. The only reason they are bumped up to an E rank for me is due to fact that they have frozen cokes.

Raising Cane’s Chicken Fingers

While Cane’s has no presence here in the T-O-L, it is still a must rank for me. Granted, I have only had it two times while in Columbus, my mouth waters thinking about how delicious it was. The sauce they use is divine. Every time I took a bite I had to close my eyes as the room brightened to a stark white due to my pupils dilating as the receptors on my tongue sent a euphoric experience to my brain stem.  If you have not been to this place you really should stop. If you end up having any sauce left, which you shouldn’t, go ahead and dunk that slice of bread in there too. Meanwhile I’ll dunk this S rank right to the top of the chart.

Carl’s Jr. (Hardees)

I’m pretty sure I’ve had this one time in Florida. Don’t really remember much…E rank!


All of these restaurants need an example set for them. Something to drive them to be numero uno. That example is Chick-fil-a. While I could talk about the food all day, it’s the service that makes this place the number one for me. “But Shane they don’t even have burgers?” I don’t give a fuck! Name one other restaurant on here that gets fresh flowers delivered every day for each table? Where you will never see one fly inside due to the UV zappers in the vestibules. Where you are almost guaranteed some young kid or old woman will snag that tray out from under you as you pull your last waffle fry from the best mayo of any restaurant (yes I just made that claim). No other place does this. Peep those name tags. They put the years of service on there. That guy on Route 20 I bet has them beat. I believe he’s approaching 20 years. Truett Cathy is raking it in, except on Sundays of course. S rank…my pleasure!!!


Chipotle has had it rough the past couple of years with all these food poisoning scares. There’s only one restaurant that gives you the shits more than this place, sans Escherichia coli of course. I’ll let you take a guess as to who that is. The food itself is actually pretty tasty. Lots of options for your burrito / bowls. Throw in that side of chips for a C rank!

Dairy Queen

Had their ice cream a couple of times. Blizzards are the rich man’s McFlurry. I think Put-in-Bay had one back in the day. Can’t say I’ve had any of their food…D rank!


You know, all these pizza places are the same to me. I’ve had Dominoes maybe a couple of times in the past couple of years. Not bad, not great. Dominoes starts with D so that’s where I’m putting it.

Five Guys

I’m going to tell you what makes a good burger. You ready? Grease! If you take a bite out of that burg and it looks wet, you know its fucking good. The easier it slides down the better. A good burger requires under five chews before the blissful swallow. Five Guys delivers on this fundamental property. They let you top the burger with whatever you want, but their fries are just okay to me, which is why it’s not getting an S-rank. My love for peanuts really blasts this place towards the top though. TWO IN THE DOOR!!!!!!! A-rank!


I have had IN-N-OUT twice now. I’ll admit. It is pretty good but it’s not divine. Those California people get moist between the thighs for this place. You have to go off their menu here. I had the four by four  (four patties, four slices of cheese) my second time going. It was delicious. I probably could have eaten another, but I maintained self-control. Eight patties may be pushing my burger gobbling limit, but perhaps next time I may try. I hear their milkshakes are pretty good too. B-rank.

Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC)

It is highly unfortunate that KFC has to compete with Chick-fil-a on this list. If I want chicken there is no way I’d ever go to KFC over Chick-fil-a. Colonel Sanders is dope though. My medulla oblongata is telling me to put this in E-rank…or is that Mama?!

Little Caesars

Like I stated for Dominoes, most of these pizza places are the same to me. I’ll throw this in D-rank for the city of Detroit. PIZZA PIZZA!


McDonalds is good, but it sure as hell isn’t the best. Great variety of burgers and chicken. Fries are some of the best in fast food (behind Rally’s of course. Why the hell isn’t Rally’s on here?!) The best Coke out of a fountain anywhere. Pretty much ubiquitous anywhere you go. Serving 69 million customers each day, you know they’re doing something right. They’re fast food breakfast is probably the best around. They use 2 billion eggs a year for it! C-rank!

Panda Express

I’ve had this one time a couple of weeks ago. It was pretty good. I would much rather have Magic Wok, but that’s just me. I will give this a rank of C!

Papa Johns

It’s pizza again. SSDD. Plus I want to say I heard Papa John is a dick! Dick starts with D. D-rank!

Pizza Hut

Probably my favorite pizza on this list. Used to get that personal pan pizza and breadsticks at UT in between classes. Just cheese please. Plus the one on Woodville had Mortal Combat! GET OVER HERE! C-Rank!


I used to always love going to Sonic when I was younger and visiting my grandparents in Florida. That was the only place I could ever eat it since it hadn’t made its way up here in Ohio yet. The food is middle of the road quality, but their ice cream is pretty good. Nice selection on sweet treats and their breakfast menu isn’t too bad either. The drive-in experience can be refreshing sometimes in the summer. Why don’t they roller skate at the one I go to? C-rank!


If I want a sandwich I’m for sure not going to go to Subway to get it. Especially when I can go to Jimmy Johns, Mancino’s, or Firehouse instead. I think Subway may be the only place on this list that has put me on the verge of puking it was so bad. I just can’t shake that feeling when I think about it now. Plus Jared is a creep! Hey Happy? Why don’t you whack that Cold-Cut-Combo right down into the F-rank!

Taco Bell

Melting is the name of the phase change that occurs when a solid changes to a liquid. So why does Taco Bell just melt in everyone’s stomachs? Taco Bell is notoriously known by people as giving them the shits. Why though? I personally have never eaten anything that has made me shit my fucking pants, yet people are always claiming that Taco Bell turns their tighty whities a few shades darker. For that reason, I think that Taco Bell gets a bad rap. I personally am not the biggest fan of T-Bell. If I want Mexican food, I’ll go to a normal restaurant and get bottomless chips and salsa and slam some tacos and rice (Chili’s has the best chips and salsa btw. Yes I fucking know that it’s not a Mexican restaurant). Anyway, if I had the choice between any of these other guys on the list and Taco Bell, 97 times out of 100 I’m not picking Taco Bell…F-rank!


Someone just told me that if you look at the neckline of Wendy it spells the word MOM. I don’t see it…anyhoo. Wendy’s is pretty good. The 4 for 4 is an impeccable deal. Where else can you go for four bucks and get a decent amount of food like that other than Costco. I’ll give it a fresh, never-frozen C-rank.

Final thoughts:

Now I’m going to tell you how I know I did this correctly. Look at that nice statistically parabolic shape my rankings make. There’s no question this is irrefutable. Let me know in the comments below what should be moved or anything that you disagree with. I’ll do some more like this if it gets enough attention and people like them. Peace! – S

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