Albino Turtles or Pizza Rolls?

VS.

All I’m saying is if you dip these little buddies in some ranch I’m not guaranteeing what happens next. I don’t wanna toot my own horn but I survived on Torino’s Pizza Rolls and Party Pizzas for an entire year in college. I ate so many pizza rolls I started experimenting with different sauces and desired cooking times. Getting tired of the same old mundane pizza roll taste? Either try accompanying the pleasure pockets with a nice side of sweet BBQ sauce, preferably Gerties. If that doesn’t work then grab the inaugural roll right out of the oven, toss it in your roll hole and force yourself to splatter the inner matter directly onto your roof. The burn will cause pain but you won’t have to worry about the same ol’ taste. When it comes to cooking and preparations: Unlike a portly middle aged divorcée, don’t get so comfortable that you forget to check on your rolls before it’s too late. I like to take mine out just as a few are starting to goo. By the way, what kind of peasant can’t wait 10 minutes on 450 in the oven? If you microwave your pizza rolls I want you dead. Let the great creator replace you with someone who has the stones to prepare them the way they were meant to be prepared. I have one final complaint for Torino’s. Why the 40 count bag? In my opinion the perfect amount of rolls is 30. That’s right folks. I said 30. 20 isn’t enough and 40 gives me heart palpitations. I know what you’re thinking, “Ry you ignorant slut, purchase the 120 count family pack, that way you have 4 delicious meals.” You think I haven’t cracked a 120 in my day? The problem is, and it’s of the first world, who the hell has the room in the freezer for a bag of that size?

P.S. Whoever thinks I can’t write a blog about nothing and anything at the same time, have fun explaining what you just read to your future self.

-Ry the blog God.

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