A Shameful Ranking Of All the Dumb Shit I Used to Watch.

Growing up in the late 90s, surviving Y2K (thank God), and then coming of age in the 2000s was full of wonder and joy. Now I will admit, I wasn’t glued to my couch or investing countless hours in front of the box (aka a TV for anyone who was born after the year 2000…box could also be referenced to female genitalia, but this is not that type of blog you sick fuck). I was more into sports and riding bikes and shit with my friends on the Larkside. So honestly, I feel good about the mix of outdoor activities and use of technology in my childhood because I know some kids who are in front of a screen from the time they wake up to the time they fall asleep, and that’s how you end up a fat kid. Nothing wrong with fat kids, just saying. It’s the age of information, and accessibility is at an all time high. When I was a kid we used to have to look up what was on TV that day in the FUCKING NEWSPAPER, can you imagine that shit!? Then we had to wait for shows or movies to drop at a specific time, weekly or otherwise. It’s so strange to think about the fact that my son will never know that feeling. I said it before on the show, he cried when a commercial came on at my mom’s house because he’s never experienced cable programming. The life he leads is honestly incredible, does whatever he wants. When I was a kid I was a slave to regularly scheduled programming, and my mom who was the boss and decided what I was and wasn’t able to watch on TV. Not to mention for the longest time we only had one TV, in the living room (I know what you’re thinking, “Ry, you watched Bliss with your family in the room!?”(Ep.3) that was much later on, and from the comfort of my bedroom’s 18 inch RCA.) Looking back through the years I realized, I watched some ridiculous shit. From early morning sitcoms to late night sex talk, here’s a list ranking my all time favorite guilty pleasure shows that I absolutely hate to admit I watched:

P.S. this is a safe space my G. Pass No judgment because you know damn well there’s some skeletons on your “Recently Watched” list.

10. Next (MTV) (2005):

IMDB Rating: 4.0

Ry’s Rating: 2.1

Think about how Next was Tinder before Tinder……Woah Broah!

Like all MTV contestants, these people were clearly trying to become famous. I remember wondering if it was more fun to be on the “Next Bus” with the homies rather than going on the date. I feel like I would have walked out and said something vile just to get “Nexted” so I could go back and pound some brews with the Matts.

Shame Rating: 3.5 (everyone was watching this shit so don’t feel bad.)

9. Are You the One? (MTV) (2014):

Only show that made the list that is still actually on TV. My God we love to watch stupid shit!

IMDB Rating: 6.7

Ry’s Rating: 4.5

I feel like they weren’t finished writing this Title so I will do it for them: “Are You the One to Degrade Yourself and Possibly Assault Someone for D-list Fame and a Lifetime Contract on “The Challenge.”?

Notable Fact: Me and my BM used to write down our predictions of matches at the beginning of the season and update them every week. If only we dedicated that type of time and energy to our relationship. Wah wah waaaaahhhh…..

Shame Rating: 7.1.

8. Flavor of Love (2006):

IMDB Rating: 4.7

Ry’s Rating: Flaaavvoorr Flaaaave!

Favorite Character: New York (Obviously)

Other notable characters: Punkin, Hoops, Buckwild, Goldie.

One of my favorite scenes ever: “The spit shot heard around the world”: https://vlp.to/sM24VZYF

“Slap me Bitch!” Is still relevant in my day-to-day dialogue. Say what you want about New York, but she moves the needle, including the one in my shorts.

Shame Rating: 6.4

7. The White Rapper Show (2007)

You can just smell the menthol and Faygo Moonmist from here!

IMDB Rating: 5.9

Ry’s Rating: “Eminem is the best rapper of all time”

Summary: Bunch of White people try to be Rappers by competing in Battles and other competitions.

No Cap needed

Notable Characters: John Brown “King of the Burbs”, $hamrock (Value City version of Paul Wall) and Persia.

Most Notable Moments: Persia became a very controversial character as early as Ep.1 when she used “the N-Word” and shoved her Dildo in John Brown’s face… I hope that’s not how he got his last name.

Shame Rating: 8.1

6. From G’s to Gents. (2010)

This is the dude who held an umbrella for Puffy.

IMDB Rating: 5.3

Ry’s Rating: “I just wanna blow up, and act like I don’t kno nobody”

That’s right folks, this show can be directly credited for the spawn of the Neon Icon himself, Riff Raff. If you haven’t seen his freestyle, here it is. One of the best videos on the internet still to this day. Their was plenty of other G’s on this show but who gives a shit honestly. Here’s a compilation of “MTV Riff Raff” most memorable moments on the show.

Me when I realize being a G is in my blood, and I ain’t neva gonna change up.

Shame Rating: Ain’t no Shame.

5. Life Unexpected (CW) (2010)

Lux, A+ Smoke, D- Actress

IMDB Rating: 7.6

Ry’s Rating: 2.1 but also maybe 9.8

I honestly can’t remember if I loved this show or if I hated it soo much I had to keep watching it. It was on the CW so it was probably horrible. However, The Mom was absolutely stunning:

Shame Rating: 8.9 (I mean come on I was 18 and tuning in every week for this? Get out the bell and make me walk naked in the name of the Seven!)

4. Making the Band 4 (2007)

IMDB Rating: 6.2

Ry’s Rating: 9.0

Ok, if you know me then you know I love Day 26 (the band that was made). Exclusive is still one of my favorite songs of all time, and if it were up to me to save the world in an American Idol situation where the performance is judged by Aliens, I would dig deep and perform this song for the preservation of mankind! You’re welcome! Diddy was a savage with the shit he made them do. Not gonna lie though, he made them Pop!

Shame Rating: 0.0

3.Secret Life of an American Teenager (2008)

Two of my all time crushes in one pic. I’ll let you guess who.

IMDB Rating: 5.1

Ry’s Rating: Season 1: 9.1 The Rest: Trash

We’re getting down to it now folks. If you skipped ahead than you totally missed that part above about that time I got my dick stuck in a car door! Anyway, Great Show, Horrible Acting! The worst acting coming from the Dad, whom I wanted to choke through my TV. I know I said I was going to make you guess but I have to appreciate these two goddesses:

One more because she deserves it!

Fun Fact: Francia Raisa saved Selena Gomez’ life by giving her her Kidney. Beautiful and Brave! All Lust aside, both Shailene Woodley and Francia Raisa are amazing actors. I felt the show was ultra corny but their performance along with Darin Kagasoff’s impeccable hairline made for all around awesome program!

Shame Rating: 8.8

2. Talk Sex with Sue Johansson (2002)

Sue, you dirty dog

IMDB Rating: 7.1

Ry’s Rating: 6.9 LOL

If you’re an OG Larkside Radio Listener than you know what I said about this show in Episode 3 (Bare in mind that was so early on so the quality was rough). If you’re an idiot and haven’t listened than you should know that I used to set an alarm on my real analog alarm clock for midnight some nights to try and sneak a few minutes of Talk Sex with Sue. Imagine that visual. A 10 year old kid snapping up out of bed and hitting his alarm clock so fast to make sure the rest of his family didn’t wake up. Turning the TV on the lowest volume and changing the channel to 67 (Oxygen). To think about the fact that I learned more about sex education from an old bag of bones on an 18 inch TV then I did from all of my actual Sex Education in Health class, really shows a clear penetrating weakness in our Pubic School System. You see what I did there? I want to thank you Sue, wherever you are, hopefully not under a tombstone, for opening my eyes and then immediately closing them when I heard the creak of a floor board in the hallway meaning someone else was up and might walk in.

Shame Rating: At the time is was inconceivable.

1. Laguna Beach (2004)

IMDB RATING: 4.8

Ry’s Rating: Like totally 9.9!

There’s not much to say other than the fact that I spent countless hours watching, and wanting to be these people. The parties they threw were lit before lit was lit. They were gorgeous and carefree. I couldn’t get enough. I own both season 1 and 2 dvd box sets and I still occasionally watch them from time to time. You ever watch old shows and be like “what the fuck are they wearing and how did I ever enjoy this!?” Me either! Stephan was like a lost puppy and Talan absolutely fucked! Dieter was the friend everyone wanted and Trey had me feeling totally woke af. LC was the girl next door who I secretly wanted to see her her ass kicked by Kristen who scared the shit out of me. Morgan and Christina I didn’t give a shit about and Lo was the girl I always wanted. That’s life in the Real O.C. From the eyes of a delusional Midwestern Middle Class 12 year old peasant.

Shame Rating: Steevvhen!

So there you have it. Believe it or not I took a very long time preparing this list. Numbers were crunched. Foreheads were scratched. If you appreciate in-depth analysis of shit that doesn’t even matter but is hella entertaining than listen to Larkside Radio.

By: Ry

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