Costco is a wonderful place to spend a Sunday morning, I can’t think of a place in this world where I feel more wholesome than America’s Favorite Wholesaler! Great Deals! Great People! Great Food! The gas is cheap, the free samples are lit, you can get a 5 lb bucket of Peanut Butter for your apocalypse bunker and a comfy pair of Puma joggers. Plus, you get to feel like you’re a part of an exclusive club! Which really makes up for never being on the National Honor Society! What can I say? I love Costco. What’s my favorite part you might ask? The Food Court! Yummy All-American cuisine like the Chicken Caesar Calzone, Meaty Italian Sub, or a giant slice of the extra tasty Oouey-Gooey Pizza, I mean c’mon what’s more American than that!? Look at these damn menu choices. Something for all walks of life!
Those prices simply can’t be beat! Those prices actually worry me, like how is this shit so cheap? While I’m sitting at the comfortable picnic tables with all the ball room I could ever want, (Jk why do those tables cramp my balls to the point where they’re stacked?) I started looking around and I couldn’t help but notice all of the people around me looked, dressed, and acted the same. That’s when it truly dawned on me, everyone in the food court was a man, and every single man was a Dad! I know what you’re thinking, “Ryan, how do you know they were Dads?” Because either they were with several screaming ketchup-covered offspring, or their wives came with the kids and picked them up after checkout. This is why Costco should be considered the Hub for all American Families. However, Costco can upgrade their Food Court into what it truly is, a “Daycare for Dads” that will make everyone’s shopping experience a delight. Look, we all know the Moms are there to get shit done, and the Dads are there because they have to be. Unlike untimely divorce, let’s separate the parents in a way where everyone can benefit! Moms, you know the drill, flash that super duper exclusive gold card to the geriatric greeter and head towards the Food Court. You’re about to experience the bliss of dropping your husband off with the peace of mind that he is in good hands, and won’t get into any predicament that might lead to premature evacuation. What woman wants to hear their man complain the whole time? Never again ladies! Once you get to the Dad sign in sheet, you’ll get a tag with a number. The matching tag will be applied to an article of Dad’s clothing, whether it be the collar of his IZOD golf shirt, or the hammer loop on a pair of Levi’s, you will know exactly which Dad is yours when you’re ready to conveniently pick up. Mom go on your way and do you boo. He’ll be here when you get back from grinding for the family! Treat yourself to the fat free FROYO samples in the back by the 250 count boxes of Potato Skins while you’re at it. Hey Dads, did you think I forgot about you? This is where the fun truly begins, but let’s just keep it between us guys alright? You’re in for a real treat, and I’m not talking about the $5 açaí bowl! Once you’ve all had your delicious meals, we have a number of activities that we call “workshops” available to you guys that have been tailored to your paternal interests:
1. At our first workshop you will learn how to correctly wall-mount a TV. With hands on instruction, and step by step assistance, you’ll end class knowing that when you get stumbling-drunk and smash your elbow into the drywall, your TV will remain intact in its rightful place.
2. “Lazy-Boy Lounge”, we all know Dads love their naps, go ahead and kick off those New Balances, I know those “Dogs are barkin”.
3. “Grill your own 1/2 pound all-beef Frank Station”. Show off your skills and don’t be afraid to burn the shit out of it like you all love to do!
4. Finally, swing your little backs out at one of our state of the art Golf Simulators! Can you beat Keith’s high score!? Remember, it’s not about how far you hit the ball, it’s about how far you SAY you hit the ball.
Here at Costco we believe in two things, the segregation of American Families for personal gain, and that the amount of shit you buy, definitely translates into the amount of money you have! We hope to see you all very soon! -Ry from Costco