Pray for Me, I have Donkey Brains.

I was drinking Dasani in the Downtown Boston hotel after packing my stuff to leave and I looked down to see a green cap that absolutely and unequivocally had to be missing from my contact case. “Oh wow” I said out loud and shot up out of my chair and rushed to my bag knowing damn well I fucked up and my contacts were surely ruined. Then I snapped out of it when I realized the green cap was from my Dasani water bottle. This is when I knew, I had contracted Donkey Brains.

the transformation

This is nothing to laugh about folks, DB’s we’re all over the city of Boston, and now I was this horrible disease’s latest victim. I was ready to be taken behind the woodshed for slaughter. What are Donkey Brains you ask? Let me take a moment to explain by giving numerous examples that will surely leave you shocked and appalled.

1. Not splitting checks.

Every bar/restaurant that we visited other than Dunkies (Bostonian for Dunkin Donuts) refused to split checks. There was four of us on this trip and we all obviously wanted to pay our own bill, impossible to do in Boston. Every server was dumbfounded when we asked for separate checks but they all nodded and agreed to do so when we politely asked in our Midwest charm. Only to return with one bill wallet, one check, and ONE TOTAL! One bar we went to wrote down the checks with pen and paper, then when asked to split the bill the server asked “How do you expect me to do that?” Like it was our fault that the bill was written and not calculated on a POS machine. If only I needed something really heavy pulled through a creek or whatever the fuck donkeys do. Jon Taffer would have fired this man on spot. The bill might as well have been written with chisel and stone at the Hard Rock Cafe in Bedrock.

2. “It must be your first day”

We peeled off a historic brick road and stepped into a t shirt shop of sorts so I could buy my mom and my son something. I got two shirts and a magnet. There was a man who was clearly the owner based on his savagely harsh tone that was directed at a younger woman who simply didn’t have it that day. She could not find the t shirt button on her ancient cash register. This was a t-shirt shop folks. She bagged the items with her reluctant hooves (after dropping both shirts on the ground) and finally rang up both shirts and I assume the magnet because it was no where to be found. The man shouted at her to ring up the items first before she bagged it and she was so out of it with a heavy case of DB’s that she didn’t even acknowledge him until he swiped the bag out of her hand and gave it to me. I was beyond uncomfortable. I pulled cash from my bag because I wasn’t even trying to mess with a card, grabbed my bag and walked out. When I opened the bag obviously the magnet wasn’t in there.

3. This might not have been DB’s but I’m afraid to ask.

Pray for me folks. If you haven’t already caught a case of DB’s reading this, then head over to my brothers’ blogs because they went through different experiences that cannot fall on deaf ears. Are Donkey Brains contagious? Yes. Do they ever go away? I sure as hell hope so. Until then I hope my flight back to Toledo goes smoothly. Heehaw

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